In February 2015, I posted a very personal video sharing my story of my suicide attempt I had been up to that point to ashamed to share. Afraid of the stigma, or be seen as “crazy” for admitting I needed help. I had reached a point at the age of 20 years old where I was in so much pain; I thought suicide was the only option I had.
Laid my favorite sweater, jeans, and my sperrys out next to the note I left for my mother that her only child was sorry for all the disappointment, but now the world had one less burden without me in it. I swallowed 33 pain pills in hopes to end my life peacefully, to end the hurt and pain I had bottled up for years. The next morning my mother found me with only hours to spare before my body shut down completely from my major organs. Spent 4 days in CCU in the hospital, then spent 72 hours at Acadia Hospital in the Outpatient Unit.
The morning after my attempt, I truly felt at first a failure because I couldn’t even kill myself right, but then I discovered the darkness I had been under had a small dim light ahead because I survived. That day forward, I used the motto “One more day”, regardless of how low I felt, how badly I wanted to give up, it was my purpose to figure out why my life was spared. My story was far from being over, and I decided to take my life back in a drastic way.
Four years since my attempt I turned my life around in numerous ways. After opening up to my family and loved ones about my sexuality as being a lesbian, from once described as morbidly obese to losing 165 pounds to maintain a healthy weight, I thought I had “fixed” my problems. Well that couldn’t have been further from the truth, because I was still hesitant to share my mental health status.
In late January 2015, a Bangor High School senior took his own life at the age of 17 years old. I was stunned as was the rest of the community to lose a boy who had the brightest smile and heart didn’t feel his life was worth living another day. I sat down to my computer in my kitchen, and told my personal story to the world of my struggles, my attempt, and to create a conversation in hopes to save lives by talking about suicide. I want to be a resource to people how to find the resources, connect people with professionals to seek the help they needed with no judgment. If you or someone you know is in crisis or having suicidal thoughts please consider calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK or 1-800-273-8255.