Over the past month I have been struggling to see the light or even the point in living another day. People have told me on numerous occasions, “You have depression and anxiety it must be all in your head”. If someone came up to you with chest pains asking for help, would you stop to question them by asking “Is this really a heart ache or are you faking this for attention” I felt I have become an advocate for suicide prevention, raising money for crisis services in Maine that desperately needs funding, however I still waking up every day hating myself and wishing I was dead. Too afraid to communicate, I figured I could do this all on my own, however when you are constantly tearing yourself down, pulling yourself back up can be even harder. I had to recognize that it’s ok to not be ok. What isn’t ok is letting the darkness win, and not believing in your own self worth. Someone recently just told me “ You are the most important in your life, and deserve the chance to stay” I wanted to throw in the towel, I was done with the pain of every day living had become, I lost my laugh, joy, and hope I’ve been trying to build myself back up. I knew when I was making plans to take my own life, that was when I no longer could bear this alone. I honestly just felt vulnerable and scarred to ask for help in fear of being weak, afraid of the stigma mental illness always has attached, and it to tarnish any of the work I’ve tried to do with suicide prevention community. I promise myself from now on to allow myself to be a priority not an option, and to never ever stop believing in giving life one more day.
So what can someone expect when they are in crisis? I can only speak of my experience, maybe by speaking about the resources available more people would find the fight to get the help they need. First step is the hardest admitting you are in crisis, feel unsafe, and be willing to accept help. I confided to my family of my current situation, yes were they scarred and hurt to have the truth of my struggles, but completely understanding ready to be my warriors on the days I couldn’t handle dialing a phone because I was shaking from crying so hard. I’ll never forget the weight I felt be lifted off my chest just by confiding into someone I trust. You need to trust yourself, regardless of the state you in, try your best to recognize what will keep you calm, and safe. Step two was calling the crisis hotline where I was given to the sweetest crisis worker who met me in person to discuss one on one what kind of options I had to get myself feeling well again. The thing people don’t realize about these hotlines or lifelines you can call, someone will always answer the phone and be willing to help you at no cost. I hate feeling like a hypocrite asking for help, but this is the better alternative than writing out my final wishes for my loved ones to carry out. Step three having an open mind to treatment options, whether it’s therapy, medication, or whatever path you choose find the best option that fits your body. Just learn to allow yourself to be kind to yourself, and never stop fighting for one more day. If you are someone you know if struggling to live another day never be afraid to call the lifeline number 1-800-273-8255 National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Together we don’t have to fight alone and always can keep giving life one more day.